


Were We Too Late?

by clexakomau



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: Clexa, Clexa Love Week, Clexa20gayteen, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27963497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clexakomau/pseuds/clexakomau
Summary: Clarke and Lexa as best friends, don't realise their mutual feelings until Lexa has to move away.Fluff, angst, eventual smut.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Clexa - Relationship, Lostia - Relationship
Comments: 6
Kudos: 53





	1. It's too late

Clarke Griffin's crush on Lexa Wood's had formed the first minute she'd laid eyes on the beautiful brunette from across the bustling room. She'd gone eighteen years of her life, dating here and there, but never, had she met someone so utterly stunning. 

Clarke's first encounter with Lexa was somewhat embarrassing, though at the time, she was drunk and her confidence was at it's peak. Though waking up in a strangers dorm the next morning had her in complete shock. Clarke was rather disappointed when Lexa told her that they hadn't slept together, but rather, that Clarke had thrown up on her whilst they were dancing. Lexa, being the perfect gentlewoman she was, drove Clarke back to her dorm, cleaned her up and gave her the bed, opting to sleep on the couch. And that was the start of their blossoming best friendship. 

Lexa knew from the minute her eyes first met with that she was goner. There was something different, something intriguing in the complexity of her intricately designed blue eyes that pulled her in. Something that made Clarke stand out in the midst of about a hundred drunken teenagers. Lexa thanked herself for choosing not to drink that night, the night she danced with Clarke, until the blonde kindly threw up on her. Lexa was glad that she'd stayed sober so she was able to remember ever cheesy pick up line Clarke had tried on her, if only the blonde knew that she didn't need any stupid pickup lines, because Lexa was already infatuated by her. She was also glad she'd steered clear of drinking because it was much easier to drive a drunk Clarke back to her dorm than have to attempt to walk them both back into the city to her dorm room. 

***

"Clarke, I've been here for twenty minutes, waiting for you," Lexa scolded the blonde down the phone. She wasn't exactly surprised, after knowing Clarke for three months and filling the role of best friend, she knew that Clarke was never on time - to anything. It wasn't a shock to her when Clarke picked up her call on the last ring - obviously having just woken up. Though Lexa sounded mad over the phone, there was no way she could stay angry at her, especially when she rushed through the doors of the campus coffee shop fifteen minutes later, damp from the pouring rain. 

"I'm soooo sorry," Clarke panted heavily, slipping off her coat as she practically fell into the arm chair opposite Lexa. The brunette could help the smile that tugged on the corner of her lips as she swiftly pulled her scarf off and handed it to Clarke who took it gratefully. Lexa smiled as she noticed Clarke take a deep breath in, soaking in the scent of her warm scarf that was now wrapped around her body like blanket. 

“Glad to see you finally got up out of that bed of yours,” Lexa smirked, taking a sip of her second coffee that morning. “Well its a damn comfy bed, as you know,” Clarke winked, earning an eye roll from Lexa. “So how’s things? And what’s the reason for that huge grin on your face,” Lexa chuckled, she hadn’t seen Clarke this genuinely happy in a long time. 

“It’s official.” Clarke’s grin widened even more. Lexa scrunched her eyebrows, “what’s official?” Clarke thanked the waitress who had just brought over her tea, that Lexa had obviously ordered. “I asked Niylah out last night, I officially have a girlfriend!” The smile plastered across Lexa’s face was a fake one. As much as she wished that she could truly be happy for Clarke, hearing that she had a girlfriend stung. It stung because she was completely and utterly in love with her best friend. She was in love with Clarke and now she’d lost her chance. 

There was no way Clarke liked Lexa back, and she didn’t want to ruin their friendship, that’s why she’d hidden her feelings. Since Clarke waltzed into her life, she couldn’t imagine losing the blonde. They were best friends, and from this moment, Lexa realised she’d been reading into the little signs too much.

“Oh my god! That’s amazing Clarke!” Lexa replied, attempting to show genuine enthusiasm in her tone. “I was so nervous, I mean, I’ve only known her like, three weeks. But all the flirting and those funny butterflies I get when she texts. I just did it and she said yes.” Clarke’s eyes were sparkling as she spoke and Lexa’s matching smile was a genuine one, because in the end, all she cared about was Clarke’s happiness. 

“Well at least one of us isn’t alone,” Lexa murmured, taking another sip of her coffee. “Your not alone Lex, you have me.” Clarke shot her a gentle smile with a wink. Lexa’s heart plummeted to the bottom of her stomach, ‘but I don’t have you,’ she thought as she mindlessly nodded back to the blonde. 

“So are we still on for dinner tonight?” Lexa asked as she fiddled with her fingers in her lap. Clarke could sense the nervousness, but was confused as to why Lexa was nervous. They’d been best friends since the beginning of college, and it was spring term. “Oh shit.” Clarke whispered, mentally slapping herself. “Yeah yeah we’re still on,” she mumbled unconvincingly, pulling out her phone.

“Clarke, if you have other plans, I get it, we can get dinner another time.” Clarke gulped anxiously as a wave of guilt washed over her body. Thursday nights were always Clarke and Lexa nights. They would grab food and watch movies, or they would go for a late night walk on the beach and grab ice cream and waffles on the way home. Clarke felt more than guilty that she’d forgotten and made plans with her new girlfriend - Niylah. 

“Niylah asked me on a date and I said yes. God I feel so stupid, I should cancel on her. We always spend Thursday evenings together. I’ll cancel with her,” Clarke rambled, scrolling through her phone frantically. 

“No Clarke, she’s your girlfriend, I’m not. She comes first,” Lexa mumbled, her voice was colder than usual and Clarke certainly picked up on it. “I’ve got to go,” she offered Clarke a small, fake smile before slipping her jacket on and walking out of the coffee shop. Clarke sat, just staring at where her best friend had been sitting. She disagreed completely, just because she had a girlfriend, it didn’t mean that she came first. Lexa was her closet friend, the most important person in her life. Clarke’s mind couldn’t help but whirl at the though of how Lexa had said ‘she’s your girlfriend, I’m not.’ 

Well that was obvious, so what was Lexa hinting at? They’d never been close in that romantic way, had they? Clarke knew she used to think of Lexa that way, but she could never jeopardize the friendship with the one person that meant the world to her. And since Niylah began obviously flirting with her at one of her art lectures, she’d tried to focus on her feelings for her instead of Lexa. 

By the time she’d turned around, Lexa was long gone. She didn’t know the reason for her sudden outburst, she hoped it was just a bad day and that Lexa was mad at her for something. Before leaving the coffee shop, she left Lexa a text and told her she’d call her later, and to apologize for not being able to attend their normal Thursday evening activities. 

***

Later that night Lexa sat on the roof top of the dorm building on a picnic blanket. She had another blanket thrown over her, and a bottle of vodka in her hands. As much as she wanted to blame Clarke, she couldn’t. It wasn’t Clarke’s fault that she didn’t feel the way Lexa felt for her. And Lexa was happy that Clarke was happy, she just wish that she could be the one to make her feel that way. Lexa could only blame herself, she had read into small sparks and moments between them, and foolishly believed that maybe, just maybe, Clarke felt the same. But now she had a girlfriend, and it wasn’t her, so she was obviously very mistaken. 

Lexa raised the bottle of vodka to her lips, gulping down as much as she could before she needed to breathe. She closed her eyes with a sigh of relief as she felt the warmth of the drink take over her body, reliving some of the stress from her crowded brain. Her eyes flickered open once more as she took in a deep breath of the city air, looking out over the bustling metropolis. 

Right now she was supposed to be at her favorite Mexican restaurant, with her best friend. With Clarke. But instead she was sat on the dark rooftop alone, drinking away her feelings that she was to scared to wear on her chest. The only light was the dim reflections from the streetlights below. 

Lexa sighed as she remembered all the times she’d been up here with Clarke, it had become their special little place. They’d spend hours, eating, drinking and laughing under the blanket of stars. They’d cuddle up and look to the sky, as Lexa would point out all the consolations and explain them to Clarke. They’d even seen a shooting star once, and both wished on it. Lexa sniffled as a single tear cascaded her flushed cheek as she muttered what she’d wished for - ‘I wish for Clarke to be happy.’ 

The brunette laughed at herself lowly. Her wish had become true, just not in the way she had hoped. But as long as Clarke was happy, that’s all that mattered. Lexa raised the bottle to her lips again, freezing as she heard giggling from behind. Her head snapped round to see Clarke and another girl, who must’ve been Niylah, giggling as they stumbled through the door, lips attaching to each other’s skin over and over again. 

Lexa stood up abruptly, blinking back the tears that were about to break through all the barriers she’d built up. She grabbed her nearly empty bottle of vodka and her blankets, quickly making her way to the door. 

“Lex-“ Clarke murmured through giggles as Niylah pinned her up against the wall, biting at her neck. Lexa didn’t say a thing, she didn’t look in the blondes direction, she just opened the door and hurried down the stairs, not looking back. 

Once Lexa got back into her dorm she slammed the door behind her, letting herself slip down the door and onto the floor as the tears finally broke out.

***

Lexa and Clarke didn’t talk all week. Clarke had called the brunette the morning after he first date with Niylah, but Lexa had ignored it. Clarke had also sent texts and turned up at Lexa’s dorm room door. Luckily for Lexa, her roommate and her older sister, Anya, would tell Clarke that Lexa wasn’t in. Being told that Lexa wasn’t in every single time she’d been to her room left Clarke feeling suspicious and also guilty as she knew she must’ve done something wrong, she just didn’t know what. She really thought Lexa would’ve been happy for her that she had a girlfriend - clearly not, for some reason or another, that Clarke was finding it hard to pinpoint. 

Clarke woke up earlier than she usually would on a Monday morning so that she could wait outside of Lexa’s lecture room, that seemed to be the only way she’d be able to talk to her. 

She had a quick shower then changed into a tight pair of blue jeans and a white shirt, before pulling on her favourite leather jacket, that she’d actually stolen from Lexa, and shoes. She made a pit stop on the way to pick up a coffees and pastries for Lexa, like she used to every Monday morning, then made her way to wait outside of Lexa’s law class. 

“Lex-“ Clarke lurched forward grabbing the brunettes arm as she walked out of the class and tried to walk the other way. Lexa gulped and took in a deep breath before turning her head to Clarke. The blonde handed her a coffee, just the way she liked it, and her favourite pastry. Lexa smiled and gave her a nod of thanks as they continued walking, a heavy silence hanging between them. 

“Lexa, are you okay? Are we okay?” Clarke asked sheepishly, her voice trembling nervously. Lexa instantly felt bad for avoiding her, she didn’t want to hurt her, and that’s clearly what she did, she could tell by the tone of Clarke’s voice that she was hurt. The past week had been Lexa’s worst, not having Clarke in her life at all was way worse than just having to be her friend. 

“I’m okay, we’re okay,” Lexa replied softly as they approached a bench and sat down, side by side. “I’m sorry, I’ve been acting weird, but we’re okay,” she reassured to Clarke’s face of worry. The blonde just nodded, looking down at her feet, “so, are we going out on Thursday night?” The hope in Clarke’s voice set butterflies whirling in Lexa’s stomach. “I’d love too.”

***

Clarke hadn’t answered any of Lexa’s texts and calls by the time Thursday night rolled around, now the brunette knew how Clarke had felt. Lexa dropped by Clarke’s dorm, knocking softly on the door. She heard sniffles from within. “Clarke can I come in?” Lexa cooed softly, remembering that Clarke had given her a key to her dorm and vice versa in case they ever needed to be in there. 

No reply, but more soft whimpers and sniffles. Finally Lexa decided she’d just go in. She fumbled with the key a little before she managed to get the door open, revealing Clarke lying in bed, blankets piled on top of her, tissues scattered over the bed and floor. Lexa ran to Clarke’s side, quickly sitting next to her on the bed, before pulling her head into her lap. Neither girl said anything as Lexa ran her hands gently through Clarke’s long blonde locks soothingly. 

About ten minutes later Clarke’s crying had stopped and there was only a few sniffles here and there. “What happened Clarkie,” Lexa’s tone was so soft she thought if she spoke again her voice would crack. Her heart broke to see Clarke like this. “She said she needed a break. From me. She told me she loved me yesterday and now she needs a break.” Clarke managed to croak. Lexa wasn’t even listening to the words falling from Clarke’s lips, not when she saw the red mark peeping out from the bottom of Clarke’s jumper sleeve.

“Clarke, you should of called me. I’m so sorry Clarke I’m so sorry I should’ve come by sooner. You deserve so much better than her, you deserve the entire world. I just want to see you happy.” Lexa leant down and pressed a soft kiss on the blondes forehead. “I was so stupid Lex, I was happier before I got with her. She always blanks me in the hallways and dodges my calls and texts. She gets angry at me when I have to go to class and tells me to miss it, but it’s not playful. I try and give her all the time I have but it just never seems to be enough.” 

Lexa could tell Clarke was absolutely exhausted, emotionally and physically, it was clear in the way she spoke. “Clarke Griffin, you give your all to everything and everyone you have in your life, never think for a second that it’s not enough. She just doesn’t appreciate the best thing that’s ever happened to her.” Lexa sighed softly, brushing a piece of hair behind Clarke’s ear as the blonde turned her head up to face her. Lexa gave the blonde a small sympathetic smile, one full of hope and love, one that Clarke returned shyly. 

“You should try and get some sleep,” Lexa whispered gently. Clarke boded tiredly in reply, “I’m sorry for ruining Thursday night again.” Lexa let out a soft giggle, “you didn’t ruin anything sweetie.”  
Clarke slowly rolled off of Lexa’s lap and snuggled into the pillow. “I’ll check on you tomorrow,” Lexa said as she stood from the bed. She suddenly felt a tight grip around her wrist, pulling her to look back towards Clarke. “Stay.”

Lexa gulped visibly, “I’ll take the floor,” she replied nervously. Clarke scoffed a little to loudly, “no way in hell. Get in the god damn bed and hold me Woods. I’m sad so you have to do what I say,” her lips turned into a small smirk. Lexa rolled her eyes and nodded before taking off her shoes and stealing some of Clarke’s more comfy clothes to sleep in, before getting under the covers next to Clarke. She flung her arm over Clarke’s stomach, shuffling closer to the blonde as Clarke turned round and nuzzled her head into the nape of Lexa’s neck.

***

\- one week later - 

“Your back with Niylah?” Lexa’s tone was venomous as she spoke to Clarke. The blonde just nodded and sighed, “well... she said we never even broke up, apparently a break is different...” Clarke lowered her head, she couldn’t bare to see Lexa angry like this, she didn’t even know why she was angry. 

“Lexa...why do you even care?” Lexa spun around to face Clarke who was seated on the bed. “Why do I care? Your really asking me that Clarke? I care because she hurt you, why can’t you see that she’s pulling you apart. I just want to make you happy... I just want you to be happy.” Lexa turned away again, tears in her eyes, she couldn’t look Clarke in the eyes, she was so close to letting her biggest secret slip. 

“She didn’t hurt me on purpose... I love her Lex,” Clarke reached her hand out to grip Lexa’s wrist, pulling the brunette round to face her. “And I love you,” Lexa replied sadly, her eyes glued to the floor. 

“I love you too Lex.” The brunette just shook her head, “no Clarke. I’m sorry if this ruins things between us but I can’t keep it to myself anymore. Hate me all you want but I’m in love with you Clarke Griffin. And I know I shouldn’t-“ Lexa’s rambling was interrupted by Clarke. “Your... your in love with me?” Clarke stuttered out, slowly releasing her grip on Lexa’s arm. 

“I should go, I’m sorry-“ Lexa mumbled as she turned towards the door.  
“No, Lexa, wait!” 

Lexa stopped walking, but kept her back towards Clarke who was now stood up behind her. “How long?” The blonde gulped back her words nervously. “Since I first saw you,” Lexa’s reply was merely a whisper. “Why didn’t you say anything before... Lex I used to... I had feelings for you too.” Lexa felt her flush red at the use of past tense. “I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, I didn’t think someone as gorgeous and smart and talented as you could ever like me...”

“Lexa, you are stunning, and clever and funny and... the first time I laid eyes on you, my heart was going crazy.” The blonde admitted, attempting to step in front of Lexa so she could look into her eyes, but Lexa’s eyes were still glued to the floor. “But now its too late,” Lexa whispered sadly, her head still hanging low. 

“I need to... think,” Clarke muttered, more to herself than Lexa but the brunette heard. “What’s there to think about?” 

“I’ve always had feelings for you Lexa, and I just tried to hide them by being with Niylah, and you were right, she just hurts me.”

“No. You can’t break up with her because of me. We can’t even be together Clarke,” Lexa replied quickly. She hated herself for confusing Clarke’s feelings. “I’m breaking up with her for us Lexa.” The brunette shook her head, “even if you do this, I can’t be with you Clarke.” 

Clarke sighed, “Why Lexa?” She didn’t understand why they couldn’t be together. Clarke knee that deep down, she was in love with Lexa, she had been since she first laid eyes on her from across the room. “Because... I got accepted, for my year abroad. I can’t start a relationship with you and then fly half way across the world and leave you here.” 

Clarke froze, she was so proud of Lexa for getting approval for her year abroad in England. But she also hadn’t given it much thought because she was in denial about losing her best friend for a year. “You... you got accepted?” Clarke whispered, her voice cracking. Lexa just nodded in reply. 

“I’m proud of you. I still need to break up with Niylah, whether or not this,” Clarke gestured between the two of them, “is going to be anything more or not.” Lexa nodded again, “as long as that’s what you want Clarke. 

***

\- one week later -

“Can I kiss you?” Clarke blurted out as Lexa and her sat on the roof, hands intertwined as they snuggled under the blanket of stars. Lexa choked on the wine she’d just sipped, “you what?” She questioned, the shock evident in her tone. 

“I just... I keep looking at your lips and thinking about how good they would feel and taste- oh god sorry this is stupid,” Clarke stumbled, looking away from Lexa’s eyes. She could still feel Lexa’s gaze on her, “I would love to kiss you.” Lexa replied softly, squeezing Clarke’s hand until she turned around to face her. 

Lexa slowly let go of Clarke’s hand, raising hers to cup the blondes cheeks. She gently pulled Clarke’s forward and lowered hers until their lips met. Fireworks began to explode throughout their bodies as their lips met for the first time, moving perfectly in sync. Their lips fit perfectly, as if they’d been made just for each other. 

Lexa bit at the bottom of Clarke’s lip lightly, retrieving a small moan of pleasure from her perfectly parted lips. Lexa took the opportunity to slip her tongue into Clarke mouth, earning another whimper in return. 

Lexa reluctantly pulled away from the kiss, knowing they both needed a refill of air in their lungs. “Woah-“ Clarke stuttered, her cheeks still being held between Lexa’s hands. Lexa smirked, “I wouldn’t mind doing that again.” 

***

The two girls didn't know how to describe their relationship. They were best friends, who flirted with each other and kissed and told each other they loved each other. But they weren't girlfriends or dating, they were far from that. Clarke kept trying to the bring up the topic with Lexa, but the brunette always reminded her that she was moving half way across the world. Clarke reassured her that they could make it work but couldn't help but think Lexa didn't think that she was worth the effort evrytime she shut her down about it. 

Yet still they snuck around all their friends, hiding whatever it is they were doing, leaking quick kisses here and there. Lexa still blushed with every compliment from Clarke and vice versa. Everyone around them could see the love between the two, the only ones oblivious was them. They knew they loved each other, but neither knew how much it hurt, not being able to really be with each other. 

Clarke would retreat to her own dorm, except on the occasion she'd let herself fall into Lexa's arms and fall asleep in her warm embrace. When she climbed into her own bed she would cry. She would scream into her pillow about how unfair life was. She had the girl she loved so close, yet she was so far away, and in reality, she didn't even have her at all. As well as only being able to be with Lexa in the slightest capacity, Clarke dreaded the end of the school year. Lexa was leaving to Arkadia at the beginning of summer, without Clarke. They hadn't even brought up what they were going to do when she left. 

Would they both just attempt to rid themselves of feelings? Would they block each other out completely? Would they visit each other or were they going to lose each other forever? So many unanswered questions pried on both girls minds. The only time either of them slept when was when in the embrace of the other, revealing in their body warmth.

***

\- two weeks before summer break - 

"Do you have to leave?" Clarke whispered, her voice slightly broken as she leant back further into Lexa's chest. The two were sat on the beach in front of the full moon and beautiful sheet of stars, twinkling above them. Clarke was sat in-between Lexa's legs, the brunettes arms wrapped protectively around her waist, her head buried in the blondes neck, leaving soft kisses and bites. "I wish I didn't have too, but this is such a great opportunity and if I missed out-" Clarke cut her off by turning round and placing a soft kiss on her lips. "I'm proud of you, I just wish I didn't have to lose you."

Lexa sighed, a wave of guilt washing over her as she stared into her favourite pair of ocean blue eyes. "I'll be back in a year, we will stay in touch. You aren't losing me forever." Lexa wasn't sure who she was try to convince more, herself or Clarke. She knew a long distance friendship, especially with their unique dynamic, probably would last, but she wasn't ready to give that up quite yet. She was in love with Clarke, there was no doubt in her mind about that, and she knew that if she came back and things between them were the same, then she'd ask Clarke to be with her. But she couldn't hurt Clarke like this, she couldn't hurt herself like this. She knew that she'd lie in bed, alone, crying wishing she could hold her girlfriend, so it was better this way. 

"I hope so," Clarke muttered in reply, a single tear rolling down her flushed cheek. Lexa slowly brought her hand up to Clarke's cheek, the pad of her thumb wiping the stray tear off of Clarkes cheek. "Clarke, I love you," Lexa offered up the most genuine smile she could. She only had two weeks before she had to let the beautiful blonde go. Letting the love of her life go would be the hardest day of her life and she'd put it off for as long as she could. "I love you too Lex."

***

\- last week before summer -

Clarke wasn’t expecting the text she’d received that night, from her best friend. Her best friend whom she flirted with, her best friend whom she was in love with. Both were too frightened to turn their relationship into anything more than best friends, officially, yet they’d shared many kisses here and there. They’d admitted their feelings too late, and now Lexa was moving to another country, to study a year abroad, and Clarke, was staying right here in Polis. 

Twenty minutes since she’d seen the text. Now she was standing on Lexa’s doorstep, shivering in the cold of the late December winters night, having forgotten her jacket when she ran out of her apartment in a rush.

The door slowly opened, revealing the beautiful brunette. Her forest green eyes were puffy and red rimmed, Clarke could tell she’d been crying, just like she had. 

“Clarke?” Lexa gulped back her words, she didn’t expect Clarke to turn up on her doorstep in the dead of night. Lexa took a couple of steps backwards, allowing Clarke to step into the warmth of her house, before closing the door behind her. 

“Did you mean what you said in the text? That it’s over? Everything?” Clarke whimpered, her voice breaking as she lifted her teary eyes to meet with Lexa’s.

“It’s hurting us both, it’s better we go our separate ways. You deserve to have someone that can be with you, here.” Lexa replied, pain seeping through her weary voice. 

Clarke sniffled, looking down at her feet, scared that if she kept on looking at Lexa, she’d crumble completely. “It hurts me more that your leaving without trying to figure whatever this is, between us, out.” Clarke gestured between the two of them, not afraid to let her tears spill. 

“I can’t do this. I’m sorry I just can’t. It’s over.” Lexa mumbled in reply, her voice breaking once again. 

“Can you just kiss me? One last time. That’s all I ask,” Clarke’s voice was stripped to its core, husky yet vulnerable. 

“Clarke...” Lexa whispered, her voice wavering hesitantly at Clarke’s words. She wanted nothing more to press her lips against Clarke’s. She wanted nothing more than to tell her, show her how much she really meant to her. But she was doing this because she loved her. She was doing this to protect her, to protect them. 

“Please Lexa,” Clarke’s beg was a desperate whimper.  
Lexa couldn’t do it, she couldn’t stand and listen to Clarke’s voice breaking further and further with each word. She hated that she was doing this to her.

Lexa took a careful step forward, gently raising her hand to cup Clarke’s burning cheek. She softly wiped away a single tear from the blondes face. Clarke relaxed into the delicate touch. She knew she shouldn’t let herself, but she couldn’t help it, she couldn’t help the way Lexa made her feel.

Lexa let her hand linger on Clarke’s cheek a minute longer as she studied the girls face. Her blue eyes were shut, she was subconsciously doing that adorable little nose crinkle that Lexa loved so much. Her cheeks were flushed a dark red, her skin blotchy from the clear amour of crying. Lexa finally closed her eyes too, letting her other hand reach up and cup the other side of Clarke’s heated face.

She gulped silently before lowering her lips to Clarke’s. Their lips met in a sea of hot and salty tears, melting together as they fell further into each other’s warmth. Clarke’s hands found their way to Lexa’s waist, pulling her body closer to hers. Deep down, both girls knew this was the last time and so they cherished every touch, every whimper, every taste of each other.

Lexa’s smell was intoxicating, Clarke never wanted to leave her lips, her embrace, her presence. The brunette slowly pulled her lips away, resting her head on Clarke’s. Both girls kept their eyes shut, scared of the consequences that would occur if they opened them. 

“Look after yourself,” Lexa murmured through silent tears, circling the pad of her thumb on Clarke’s soft cheek. Clarke gulped, her body trembling. “You too,” she whispered in an uncertain reply. 

They stayed for a minute, the silence thickening around them, only their light sniffles and longing groans filling the space around them. Neither could say goodbye, but they couldn’t stay either. It was tearing them apart. 

Finally Lexa pulled back fully, her hands dropping from Clarke’s face to her side. She hung her head low, listening as Clarke’s footsteps became faint and the door opened. It didn’t close, not for a few moments. Lexa knew Clarke was waiting, hoping she’d stop her from leaving. But she couldn’t, and she wouldn’t. 

The door finally closed, and when Lexa looked up, Clarke was gone. She had lost her, forever.


	2. is there someone else?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa now lives on the other side of the world and Clarkes having a hard time coping.
> 
> This chapter is mostly angst....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys im sorry it took so long for me to update, I've been super busy but that also came with a side of laziness. This part isn't as high quality in writing as the first part but I do hope to whip it out the bag in the final part. 
> 
> Thank you to all of you who take the time to read this, I love you guys!

Lexa struggled through each day in Arkadia, half the way across the world from her best friend, the love of her life. The first month of her moving away consisted of late night calls everyday to Clarke, where they’d talk for hours, about everything and anything. But the daily calls turned into weekly, and from weekly, to none at all. Lexa begun to ignore the texts and calls that the blonde would direct to her. Each time the blondes profile would appear on the screen, her heart stung, wanting nothing more than to answer. But she couldn’t. Talking to Clarke, worlds apart, that is what killed her. Not being able to hold, kiss or cherish the girl she loved. 

And so she did what she did best, she pushed Clarke away. Three months she’d gone without talking to Clarke. Three months of pain and suffering, three months of crying herself to sleep over the blue eyed beauty that seared into the front of her mind at every moment.

Apart from the heavy feeling that lay permanently on her aching heart, Lexa’s move had been perfect. She was top of her class and had made plenty of friends. She’d settled down well with the three housemates she had, one of which had blonde hair, very similar to Clarke’s. Lexa had to admit, she felt awful for flirting back with the new blonde, Costia, especially with thoughts of Clarke always on her mind. But Lexa couldn’t help it, especially since Costia was a natural flirt, and despite the insistent image of Clarke in the very front of her mind, Costia provided a distraction. 

***

Clarke couldn’t help but wonder if it was her fault that they’d drifted so far apart. She’d called and text Lexa dozens of times, but maybe that was the problem, maybe Lexa just found her annoying. She would sit on her bed, staring at her phone screen, her heart rising every time it would flash with a notification. Yet dipping right down to rock bottom again every time it wasn’t Lexa, which was every time. 

“Clarke, she’s treating you like crap. You deserve way better than what she’s giving you, which is nothing by the way,” Raven blurted out as she walked into Clarkes bedroom, seeing the usual scene. The usual scene being Clarke curled up in a ball, covered in blankets, crying as her now lifeless, cloudy eyes, stared straight in front of her, at her blank phone screen. 

“Raven’s right Clarke, I know you guys had a thing, but she’s gone now, you both need to move on. Her leaving should help you move on,” Octavia replied as she sat herself down on the bed next to the trembling blonde, pulling her into a side hug. 

“It wasn’t just a thing O… I was in love with her, no,” Clarke murmured through glassy eyes, “I am in love with her. That’s what hurts. It hurts that she told me she loved me too, and now she acts as if I don’t even exist. I deserved at least a goodbye…” The tingling feeling in her legs was something Clarke had come accustomed too, as well as the feeling of disappointment and loneliness that settled right at the pit of her stomach. Her face was a constant flush of deep red, in contrast with the purple bags that hung heavily from her bloodshot eyes. Her normally beautiful blonde wavy hair, now mirrored the mess of a birds nest. But she didn't care. Clarke had given up, she didn't care for herself anymore because all she cared for was Lexa. 

Raven sighed before plonking down at the end of her friends bed. “You had your goodbye, months ago before she left, then you stupidly answered her text a few weeks later and fell right back into the claws of Lexa Woods.” Ravens attempts at being sympathetic had flown out of the window after a week of Clarkes moping. Not that she didn't feel bad for Clarke, but she just didn't know how to help her. After trying so many things, she knew the only thing that could repair Clarke was the very thing that destroyed her in the first place. 

“Ow, what was that for O?” Raven screeched as Octavia slapped her head harshly. “Give the girl a break Rae, if the same thing happened between you and Luna, we all know you’d do exactly the same as Clarke, so shut up.” Clarke just nodded and grunted with a small sigh, before checking her blank phone again, “no, she’s right O, but it still hurts.” Clarke gulped as she took un a deep breath, trying to steady herself before another wave of tears cascaded down her already burning face. 

***

“Lexa!” A familiar voice hollered down the hallway as the brunette exited the lecture hall. She quickly whipped her head round to see the blonde who was pushing her way through the crowds of people to reach her. “Hey Cos,” she smiled, pulling the blonde into a quick hug. “Fancy grabbing lunch?” The blonde asked excitedly. Lexa just nodded in agreement, she could do with getting some food in her system before her next set of lectures. 

Their hands brushed together as they walked closely through the bustling halls, yet Lexa felt nothing compared to the electricity she was used to feeling at Clarke’s touch. Every time she tried to move on, it always came back down to Clarke. Her face flushed briefly at the thought of Clarke, not that she wasn't always thinking about her, but she had been trying to block her out. 

“Is pizza okay?” Costia questioned as they walked out of the campus gates and started he short walk into the nearest town, Lexa just aimlessly following along. “Sure,” she replied plainly. The guilt was eating her alive, hoping that Costia knew this was nothing more than a friendly lunch, whilst wondering if she should make it something more.

About twenty minutes later, Lexa was sitting across from Costia in a small booth at the pizza shop, taking small bites of the tomatoey goodness. “Lexa...” Costia trailed off nervously, her eyes leaving the contact they had before held with the brunette. “What’s up Cos?” 

Costia shifted nervously in her seat, stilling as Lexa's hand settled softly on top of hers. 

“Would you, maybe... like umm... want to go on a date with me?”

***

“Give me back my phone Rae!” Clarke begged desperately as she chased after her friend around the living room, diving over the sofa to reach for her phone. 

“You aren’t getting it back until you’re sober, or you might do something you regret,” Raven replied, raising her eyebrow in challenge to Clarke’s insistent badgering. “I won’t do anything I regret,” Clarke slurred, tripping over air, landing face first on the floor, “fuck.” Raven let out a knowing laugh before offering her hand out to help Clarke up, which he blonde denied, staying in place on the floor. 

“And this is why I don’t trust you when you’re drunk. Especially with your phone.” Raven smirked, knowing that she was right. “Come on Rae, even if I text her, she would just air me. Lexa hates me.” Clarke mumbled as she rolled over on the floor, exaggerating the word ‘hates’, not even attempting to sit up. The heavy feeling that resided in the depths of her stomach once again as she realised how real her words were. 

“God, you are such an idiot sometimes Clarke. She could never hate you, but you need to stop drinking yourself into oblivion because of someone that’s not worth your time.” Clarke gulped taking in the lecture both Raven and Octavia had given her every night for the past month. She knew they were right, but that didn’t mean she had to accept it, and it didn’t make it any easier to hear. 

***

“Wow Lexa you look beautiful,” Costia smiled as she greeted the brunette at the door, offering her arm to Lexa. She returned the smile, linking her arm carefully with the girls, “so do you.” 

The two girls walked arm in arm in silence towards the restaurant that Costia had reserved a table at. Lexa was nervous, but not for the reasons you would presume. She was nervous because she’d gotten an earful of blabbering from her sister over the phone about how what she was doing was a mistake. Her sisters main reason being Clarke, who she’d been keeping an eye on from a distance, as per Lexa’s request. Although Lexa wanted Anya to watch out for Clarke, she did not want her sister telling her how she was, because she knew that it would just hurt more. Anya however, had started to see the effects Lexa was having on Clarke, and couldn’t hold back letting some things slip as she lectured her sister. Things that Lexa felt guilty for. Things that Lexa didn’t want to hear, things she didn’t need to hear. And now, she was walking towards a date, with a nice girl, a pretty girl, a good friend of hers, with only one person on her mind; Clarke. 

Once they arrived, Costia did everything to make Lexa feel as if she were the most important girl in the world, the smallest gestures like opening the door and pulling out her chair for her, causing a swarm of butterflies in her stomach. Lexa couldn’t deny that she was attracted to the girl, but the image of Clarke crying on the floor was the only vivid one clouding her mind. Lexa took a deep breath in, before letting it out, focusing her mind on the feeling of her lungs inflating and deflating, deciding in that moment as Costia took her seat opposite Lexa, that she needed to give this a real shot. It was her only chance of really moving on. Though she knew that the task at hand was easier said than done. 

***

“Go to bed Clarke, you’ll get your phone in the morning okay?” Raven stated, helping a stumbling Clarke over to her bed. “Yes mum,” Clarke slurred with a drunken giggle and hiccup as she spoke. Raven rolled her eyes at her drunk friend. Normally she’d join in with Clarke’s antics, she was more of a party animal and drinker than Clarke ever was, well, that was before Lexa had left, but now she had to look after Clarke, just like the blonde had looked after her for years.

It had come to the point that Clarke didn’t drink for fun anymore. Instead she drunk to suppress her real feelings and try and forget, however Raven knew all too well that it didn’t work like that. And she and Octavia had become increasingly worried about their best friend. Despite their best effort to stop her drinking habits, they had no luck, and instead opted that at least one of them would be with her at all times.

“You need to stop this Griffin. Goodnight, I’ll be in my room if you need anything.” Raven whispered as Clarke’s head hit the pillow, her eyes instantly shutting. Raven smiled sympathetically as she pulled the blankets over her best friend and left a soft kiss on her forehead, before retreating back to her own room. 

***

“Clarke, is everything okay?” Lexa spoke down the phone with gritted teeth. Her phone had been ringing nonstop for the past hour during her date with Costia. Normally after two calls Clarke would’ve stopped calling, that’s the only reason she decided to pick up whilst her date had excused herself to the toilet, just in case something was really wrong with Clarke. And because she’d be lying if she said she wanted to hear Clarke’s voice. 

“Lexa? You picked up?” Clarkes voice was swarming with utter disbelief, and Lexa could tell she was drunk. The brunette checked her watch, quickly working out the time zones and that it was four in the morning where Clarke was. 

“Clarke you’re drunk and and it’s late, go to sleep.” Lexa flatlined, focusing solely on her voice making sure it sounded as monotone as possible. Clarke couldn’t know she still cared. She had built up the walls and now she needed them to stay put up. The brunette shut her eyes, cherishing the sound of her soft, yet broken voice, knowing all too well that she was the reason she was broken. 

“I missed your voice Lex, I miss you.”

Lexa’s heart flipped, gulping back the words she really wanted to admit in return. She missed Clarke’s voice too, she missed every inch of Clarke with every aching fibre in her body. 

“Clarke, you should sleep, you have classes in the morning, as well as a banging headache. Why are you drinking on a Tuesday anyway?” Lexa mentally slapped herself for asking the last question, she shouldn’t want to know, but she did.

“Im still in love with you Lexa. It hurts me but I love you. Come home, come back to me... please.” Lexas heart broke at the sound of Clarke’s desperate pleading. She wanted nothing more than to run back into Clarke’s arms, but she knew she couldn’t. Her stomach flipped in her abdominal, the heavy feeling only become stronger. It was as if her heart was in a time loop, breaking over and over again, with every word, every whimper, every memory. 

“Lexa. Do you still love me?” Clarke’s voice was cracked, drained. Lexa could tell she’d run out of hope, out of hope of love and acceptance. And what broke Lexa even more is that it was all her fault, yet she knew Clarke still blamed herself. She always would. 

There was a long silence that seemed to stretch forever. Lexa was blinking back tears as she tried to muster up the courage to blatantly lie. Her mouth opened but no words came out, the lump in her throat and the voice in her head deciding it was better if she just didn’t speak. 

Then came the next, soul destroying question, “Is there someone else?” 

“Hey Lex, you ready to go?” Costia smiled before realising Lexa was on the phone, “oh sorry babe,” she added as she grabbed her coat. 

“There is,” Clarke muttered just loudly enough for Lexa to hear her. “I’ve got to go,” she muttered before swiftly hanging up. 

“Clarke wait-“ but it was too late, Clarke had already hung up and Costia was staring strangely at her. 

“Is everything okay? Did I go too far by calling you babe? I’m sorry Lex,” Costia let out a small but panicked breath as she helped Lexa put her jacket on. “It’s okay, everything’s fine.”

***

“Clarke Abigail Griffin, you sneaky little-“

Clarke cut her off, “She’s with someone else Rae.”

Raven’s hand dropped from the flung out position it was before hanging in. “What?” Clarke’s words confusing her mind.

“Lexa. She’s with someone else, someone that’s not me.” Ravens eyes softened immediately as the words left Clarke’s lips. She darted to Clarke’s side, pulling her into a tight embrace. “I’m so sorry Griffin, that’s one of the reasons I-“

“Took my phone away from me. Yeah I get it Rae, I’m sorry for taking it back. I just... I didn’t think she’d pick up. When she did, I thought... I just thought that maybe...” Clarke trailed off, sniffling uncontrollably as the hot salty tears spilled from her glassy eyes. 

“Maybe she really wanted to talk to me because she missed me as much as I miss her.” Clarke squeezed her eyes shut as she let her body fall into Ravens even more, hoping that if she closed her eyes tight enough, then this would all go away and she’d wake up from this nightmare soon enough. 

“Your going to be okay Clarke, I promise. I’ve got you,” Raven hummed as she ran her fingers through Clarke’s knotted locks soothingly. 

***

The whole walk back to her house, all Lexa could think of was Clarke’s broken tone. She hated that she’d done this to the girl she loved, but it was best that way. It took all of her willpower to not pull out her phone and call the blonde back, but she knew it would be easier if Clarke hated her. It was easier like this. 

“Lexa are you listening to me?” Costia’s raised voice cut through her bustling mind as they arrived at the front door. Lexa blinked quickly, trying to focus on the girl in front of her. “Sorry Cos, I just zoned out for a minute.” The blonde just nodded, taking Lexas hands in her own. “I had a really good time tonight.”

“Me too,” Lexa replied, mustering up the most convincing smile she possibly could. “Maybe we could do it again some time?” Costia questioned, her tone careful as her thumb caressed Lexas palm. “I’d like that.”

***

After their first official date, it took one month until Lexa and Costia confirmed their relationship and officially became girlfriends. 

At first Lexa was uneasy about the label, knowing that she was only in Arkadia for a year before she returned home to Polis. She wasn’t one for long distance relationships, that’s what she’d told Clarke before she’d left. But the truth was, she was happy with Costia for the time being. And bad though it sounded, Lexa hadn’t thought about their future together, aiming instead to focus on her studies and her relationship in the present. 

Three months into their relationship, that’s how long it took for Costia to say ‘I love you.’ And though Lexa didn’t say it straight away, and Costia certainly didn’t push her, it was only three weeks after that Lexa said it back. 

Seven months down the line since their first date, and Lexa was leaving Arkadia, moving home to Polis, wheras Costisa was staying in Arkadia. Clarke hadn’t called or text since that night, the night that Lexa often found herself thinking back too. She’d hoped maybe, just maybe that Clarke would call again, but she never did, and Lexa couldn’t expect anything different. 

“I’ll miss you Lexi,” Costia whined as they entered the airport. Lexa internally rolled her eyes, there were many things she loved about Costia and their relationship, but that nickname was certainly not one of those things. 

“I’ll miss you too Cos, we’ll call everyday,” she smiled, leaning Arkadia was bittersweet. She was excited to get home but she was also sad to be leaving this chapter of her life behind. “And I’m coming to visit in a few weeks,” Costia replied, attempting to find the silver lining like she always did. “Exactly, we’ll see each other soon.” 

“I love you Lexa.”

“I love you too Cos.”

Lexa let go of her suitcase handle, moving her hands to her girlfriends cheeks before pulling her into a soft kiss. 

“Text me when you land,” Costia smiled lightly as she pulled away from the kiss, watching as Lexa’s hand re-latched onto her suitcase. The brunette nodded in reply, before turning and walking towards her gate.

***

“Remind me why we’re here,” Clarke flatlined as she walked through the mall with Raven and Octavia linked on either one of her arms. Despite from her classes, this was the first time Clarke had properly gone out, and she did not like it. She really hadn’t missed the weird looks from strangers or the judge stares from the store assistants, she would rather of just stated at home. 

“It’s your birthday tomorrow Clarke and we are going out,” Octavia replied sternly, a hint of excitement coming through as she squeezed onto Clarke’s arm a little tighter. Clarke rolled her eyes, she used to love her birthday, but now she hated it. She hated it because the only person she wanted to spend it with was the person she would never spend it with again. “And going out means you have to look good, especially if you want to get laid Griffin, you can’t go to the club wearing joggers and a stinky hoodie.” Raven added.

Clarke rolled her eyes again at her friends attempt at light hearted humour. “Maybe I don’t want to get laid,” she replied slightly irritated. 

“Oh come on Grif, you haven’t got laid since Le... last year,” Raven recovered knowing the brunette was still a touchy subject. 

“Since Lexa, you can say her name Raven, it’s not like it burns my ears.” Clarke replied, her heart plummeting to the bottom of her stomach. She couldn’t help but laugh at herself internally, it had been seven months since she’d last spoken to Lexa, and yet she still loved her as much as she did the day she left, maybe even more. Maybe absence did make the heart grow fonder, or in Clarke’s case, more broken. 

“Let’s change the subject from Clarke’s sex life. Even if you don’t want to get laid, we are gonna find you a hot ass outfit for your party,” Octavia grinned, pulling Clarke in the direction of their favourite store. Clarke huffed as she was pulled away at full speed. She didn’t want a party, but she knew her friends wanted to go out, and this was the best way they could get Clarke to go with them. And she decided she’d go, mostly because her friends had been so understanding and supportive of her despite the mopping. 

***

“Lexa, your home!” Anya squealed as she encased her sister in a tight hug. Lexa dropped her suitcase, allowing herself to fall into the warmth of her sister. Anya had apologised for yelling at Lexa for what she was doing with her life only a week after their argument on the day of Lexa’s first date with Costia. However they hadn’t had much time to talk as of late. 

“I’m home,” she sighed as she pulled away, offering her sister a small smile. “You, miss, have a lot to tell me. I heard from a little birdy that you officially have a girlfriend.” Anya inquisited, taking Lexas suitcase as they walked side by side out of Polis airport. 

“A little birdy being Octavia?” Lexa questioned, though she already knew her assumptions were correct. 

Since she’d left Polis, she’d only kept in touch with Anya, but she’d not even talked to her sister nearly as much as she should’ve. “How did you guess!” Anya replied with a mock tone of sarcasm. 

“Want to grab a drink before we head home?” Anya asked as they arrived at the car. “I’m kind of jet lagged, maybe tomorrow?” Lexa smiled as genuinely as she could in her worn out state. “Tomorrow it is.”

***


End file.
